


Stiles and Derek and the Angry Snail

by Goldstone_Wolf



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Angry Snails, Coffee Mention, Crazy Grandma Ex Machina, Fluff and Crack, Food mention, M/M, Snails, Sort Of, but not bad crazy just weird crazy, sterek
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-01
Updated: 2020-05-01
Packaged: 2021-03-02 04:20:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,095
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23949055
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Goldstone_Wolf/pseuds/Goldstone_Wolf
Summary: While Stiles and Derek are off on a little vacation, some crazy things happen, including but not limited to: an old lady walking up to Stiles, slapping him with some weird pollen thing, then seeming satisfied before vanishing; a horse that will not leave Derek alone; and a very angry snail that cannot possibly be anything but supernatural because snails aren’t that fast.One-shot that’s probably some form of a crack fic.
Relationships: Derek Hale/Stiles Stilinski
Comments: 3
Kudos: 43





	Stiles and Derek and the Angry Snail

**Author's Note:**

> Quick request before we get into the story—can anyone summarize what happens in the episode “Echo House” for me? I can’t watch stuff with asylums and I’m not risking having a second or third anxiety/panic attack (not sure which one) in less than sixteen hours. If you can, great. If not, thanks anyways.  
> TWs should be in the tags if there are any.   
> Now, on to…whatever this is!

The old lady in the diner was giving Stiles the creeps.

He had a distinct feeling the lady _had_ to be supernatural. No one could be _that_ old and still be _human_ , after all. Not to mention, she was…she just _looked_ like a stereotypical bad guy. Bad…grandma? He wasn’t sure, he wasn’t sure he cared, and every time he glanced over she was staring at him. Sure, she _looked_ friendly, but that must be all a ploy to make Stiles and Derek drop their guards so she could eat them. That soft blue dress and gingham apron were—

“Stiles, quit staring. And are you _scowling_ at an old lady?” Derek whispered, and Stiles snapped out of his thoughts. They were sitting in a little diner in a small town in the Rocky Mountains of Colorado. For the past several days, they’d been spending their time ignoring the rest of the Pack (which had sent them all the way out there to begin with, so it wasn’t like they weren’t justified in doing so).

“Maybe I am. She looks suspicious! How does someone get that old and still be human?” Derek stared at him blankly, then sighed and rubbed a hand over his face. It was almost like he was questioning how he fell in love with the young man sitting in front of him at the moment, when it was actually pretty much _exactly_ how he fell in love with Stiles. They just never really mentioned it.

Scott did, once.

Scott had since learned to never bring it up again.

Otherwise, Scott would find out what it’s like to be on the other side of Stiles’ bat and Derek’s teeth (when he was _really_ trying).

The grandma toddled over, and Derek mumbled, “Stop looking like she’s going to try ripping your throat out with her teeth. She’s not dangerous.” Meanwhile, Stiles shot him a glare. When the lady was closer, Stiles could pick out every little detail—like how she was pretty in the way only grandmas can be, with light grey curls piled up in a little bun. All he could think of when he saw her, though, was Aunt May. So…she had a feeling she could kick him all the way to Japan if they were in California…and she could do it going east.

Smiling nervously up at her, he met her pale blue gaze. “Hello. Sorry, I was spacing out, I didn’t mean to—”

She slapped him.

The old lady _slapped_ Stiles.

_Someone’s grandma slapped Stiles._

No one seemed to notice. Either they hadn’t seen, or this wasn’t an unusual occurrence. Stiles wasn’t sure he wanted to know. Either way, after the slap, she smiled at him cheerfully and touched his cheek with the gentleness of a flower. “Sorry, dearie, there was something with your head. It’s alright now.”

Frowning and wrinkling his nose, Stiles glanced from her to Derek and then back. “Wh—what’s wrong with my head?”

“Well, nothing now, dearie. Here’s a napkin.” She handed him a napkin. Then, like nothing had happened, she turned and wandered off. Staring after her, still confused, Stiles started rubbing at his cheek. His fingers came away bright blue.

_What the heck?_

+++

They couldn’t go anywhere without anything weird happening, apparently.

First, it was the old lady who slapped Stiles and left a blue mark on his cheek. He spent the rest of the day insisting to Derek that she had to have been a witch, while Derek replied that he was pretty sure she was just a weird old grandma. Either way, something about him smelled… _”different”_ , according to his boyfriend, and Stiles wasn’t quite sure how he felt about that. Long after the blue stuff was gone, however, Stiles kept rubbing at his cheek. There was a weird tingle that seemed to have passed through his entire body. It wasn’t annoying, just weird…almost warm, really. Like a hug. Or sunshine. Or hot chocolate.

Dang it, now he was hungry again.

But they couldn’t exactly go into a store because of their…other problems. There were two little animals following them around. One was a little horse that Stiles had a feeling had escaped from the nearby ranch. No one seemed surprised, though, so he guessed it would probably head back home when the sun went down. It was pretty cute, too, and wasn’t doing any harm. The thing was a light brown colour, with darker legs and a black mane and tail. There was a little white mark on its forehead. “Look, it’s our baby.” Stiles joked as it followed them through a farmer’s market. Well, followed _Derek_. The little foal seemed obsessed with him, prancing around his legs and nuzzling his hand.

The other animal was a _snail._

A really, really _fast_ snail.

Also a really _angry_ one, too.

“Derek, I think it’s angry with us.” Stiles mused, glancing back at the little thing. It was sliding after them even amongst the crowd, managing to avoid shoes.

“You _think_?” Derek glanced back, frowning at the snail. “Stiles, what did you do?”  
“What? Why do you think _I_ pissed it off?”

“Because you have an astounding ability to piss off pretty much everything with that lovely mouth of yours.”

“You weren’t complaining about my mouth when we were making out.”

Derek said nothing, and Stiles glanced back at the snail. It kept following them around nonstop. Even when they finally managed to get the foal to stay outside (Stiles was right, the foal was a bit of a local celebrity and her name was Sunshine), the snail followed them into one of the local shops. It also followed them into Starbucks. “Are the snails around here…weird?” Derek finally asked, glancing at it as it followed them into yet another store. It was unusually fast, much to Stiles’ worry (“Snails only go 0.029 miles per hour, _Derek!_ This is something supernatural!”)

The cashier glanced at the snail and immediately his face dropped into something resembling annoyance. To Derek and Stiles, the snail looked pretty much exactly like any other snail. It was just capable of keeping up with their _car_. “Oh, I know this one. Really, man?”

For a moment, Stiles could only gape. “You _know_ this snail?” The cashier hopped the counter with a cup and paper and scooped the offending snail into it with a nod. “How do you know this snail?”

“His name is Jim—he drinks coffee at the diner. Now, really, Jim, what have we said about chasing tourists around?”

**Author's Note:**

> This is what I call the “Crazy Old [Grandma/Grandpa] Ex Machina”, usually reserved for my actual books. In short, this is how I deal with episodes like “Riddled”. I put the characters in a different situation, introduce some reason for them to have something happen, and then everything’s fixed. Why? Because I’m me.  
> Anyways, thanks for reading. If it lived up to your expectations, cool. If any of you can summarize “Echo House” for me, thank you a whole lot.   
> Now, into the fray once more!


End file.
